An apology the whole world read

On Sunday, November 8, Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang sent an email to his employees, and the company posted it publicly. In it, he wrote, "I was unfaithful to my wife." He apologized to his family and his company, and said he supported an independent investigation that Nvidia's board announced the same day.

Most people will never run a trillion-dollar company. But plenty of people will either write an apology like this one or receive one. That's why I think it's worth looking at closely.

A quick note before I do. I don't know the Huangs, and I don't know what's happening inside their marriage. That isn't mine or anyone else's to judge from the outside. What I can talk about is the letter itself, and what I've learned from years of sitting with couples in the weeks after an affair comes to light.

What the letter gets right

As written apologies go, this one avoids the usual traps. He uses the word "unfaithful" instead of something soft like "mistakes" or "a lapse in judgment." He says there's no excuse and doesn't offer one anyway. He names who got hurt: his wife and their children. He takes responsibility without pointing to stress, work, or the other person.

That matters more than it might seem. When I sit with a partner who has just found out about an affair, the apologies that make things worse almost always contain a "but." I'm sorry, but we'd been distant. I'm sorry, but it didn't mean anything. The "but" cancels the apology, and the hurt partner hears it immediately.

Research backs this up. People who study apologies break them into parts: clearly saying you're sorry, naming what you did, taking responsibility, expressing remorse, acknowledging the harm, and offering to repair it. In a 2012 study in Peace and Conflict, Johanna Kirchhoff and her colleagues found that when the offense was serious, which parts the apology included mattered more. A short, vague "I'm sorry" can be fine when you forget to take out the trash. It doesn't hold up after a betrayal.

At home, a good apology after an affair sounds less like a press release and more like this:

• I had an affair. I lied to you about it for months.

• I did that. Nobody else is responsible for my choices.

• I know it's made you question everything, including your own judgment.

• I'll answer your questions honestly, for as long as you need to ask them.

What an apology can't do

A public letter is written for employees, shareholders, and reporters. The apology that heals a marriage happens in private, usually many times, and usually badly at first. The person who was betrayed needs to ask questions, get angry, go quiet, and ask the same questions again. That's not them refusing to move on. That's how people absorb a shock.

The apology is where recovery starts. One of the best-known treatment models for affairs comes from researchers Kristina Coop Gordon, Donald Baucom, and Douglas Snyder. In a 2004 paper in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, they described recovery in three stages:

1. Absorbing the impact. Getting through the first weeks without making things worse. Setting ground rules, ending contact with the affair partner, and managing the flood of emotion.

2. Understanding how it happened. Not to excuse it, but to see what in the person, the relationship, and the circumstances left room for it.

3. Moving forward. Deciding, with clear eyes, whether to rebuild together or separate well.

Their study was small, so it's a starting point rather than proof. Still, forgiveness scores rose over the course of treatment, and every couple was still together at follow-up. That lines up with what I see in my office. Couples who skip straight to stage three, because everyone wants this to be over, tend to circle back to stage one months later.

If you're living through this right now

If you had the affair

• End contact with the affair partner, and let your partner see that you did.

• Answer questions honestly, even the ones you dread. Partial truths that come out later restart the clock.

• Expect to apologize more than once. The first apology opens the conversation. It doesn't close it.

• Don't set a deadline for your partner's healing.

If you were betrayed

• You don't have to decide anything this week, including whether to stay.

• Anger, numbness, obsessive questions, and trouble sleeping are common after a discovery. They don't mean you're overreacting.

• Lean on one or two trusted people. Telling everyone can make repair harder later, whichever way you go.

• An apology can be sincere and still not be enough yet. Both can be true.

Frequently asked questions

Can a marriage survive an affair?

Many do. In a 2005 study in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, David Atkins and colleagues found that couples dealing with infidelity started therapy more distressed than other couples, yet still made real gains during treatment.

Should I write my partner an apology letter?

A letter can help you find the right words, and some people find it easier to reread than to hear in the moment. Just don't let it replace saying it face to face, and keep it about their hurt, not your guilt.

How long does it take to recover from an affair?

There's no set timeline, and pushing for one usually backfires. Recovery tends to be measured in months, not weeks.

Should we start couples therapy right away?

Often, yes. Getting help early can keep the first weeks from doing extra damage. If one of you isn't sure about staying, a therapist can help you decide what kind of help makes sense first.

You don't have to sort this out alone

Affair recovery is a big part of what we do at Constellation Therapy Seattle. Our therapists work with couples in the first raw weeks after a discovery, and with couples who are years past it and still stuck. We'll help you figure out what you both need, whether that's rebuilding together or ending things with less damage.

If you're facing this, book a consultation with one of our therapists. We're in Fremont on N 36th Street, and the first conversation is a chance to see whether we're the right fit.