This week, I wanted to have a bit more focused look at different dynamics I like to work with in couples and relational therapy. As someone who identifies as queer and Christian and has done graduate study both in marriage and family therapy and theology, it’s important to me to be an affirming therapist for queer couples and other queer relationship structures. Religion and spirituality can play such a large role in our development and the formation of our values, so it also makes sense that this can come into tension when a faith tradition someone comes from or is still part of holds harmful, non-affirming beliefs. Even in a longer form post, I know there are things I will miss or can’t cover in depth. My hope here, though, is that this can be one other reference point for naming and noticing the difficulty and beauty of navigating faith in queer relationships. Even for folks who are not queer or not religious/spiritual, I hope there is still something helpful, validating, or interesting here.

The Role of Spirituality in Queer Relationships

Untangling or discussing the influences of religion or spirituality in queer couples therapy when folks may no longer identify with those beliefs asks a lot to notice where those lingering effects may disrupt the balance of roles in a relationship, comfortability with sex, pressure to fit wider family structures, and more. This is also true for relationship types and dynamics where one or more people in the relationship still hold or claim a religious affiliation or faith identity. One of the isolating parts that can feel different, though, is the lack of communal spaces that may honor both parts of that identity: the queer and the spiritual. In my own experience amidst evangelical Christian churches, even places that make an effort to be open and affirming can still feel like a place I don’t belong. Similarly, even when a queer space invites and welcomes different spiritualities, I can feel nervous, self-conscious, or guilty about how my faith identity will be received. 

When Faith and Identity Feel in Conflict

When queer people in a relationship differ in their religious beliefs or values, this feeling of not having a space to totally be oneself can get accentuated. Despite best intentions and efforts to make room for each other’s full expressions of self, including spiritual beliefs and practices, it can still feel scary or uncomfortable to balance this difference. Further, knowing that historically, religious places have often felt more harmful than healing for queer folks, it can feel like there is nowhere to sort out or make sense of a spiritual and queer identity that, on the surface or as far as is known, stand at odds with one another. 

Just in case it is helpful to hear again or even to encounter for the first time, I believe it is fully possible to embrace a religious/spiritual identity alongside being queer without having to dampen either aspect. I also believe it’s possible to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share either of these identities and still feel seen and loved.  While by no means necessary, therapy can offer a helpful and empathetic space to explore these intersections. Individual therapy is a great space to explore how a person can and wants to hold these identities together and/or heal from the kind of internalized shame that can arise at this intersection. Some of the great value in exploring this topic in couples and relationship therapy is to practice communicating around where values and beliefs differ while still wholly and genuinely offering support. It can be a scary thing to wrestle with religious questions such as views on the afterlife, a moral code for everyday living, and what generates life purpose. Adding the dimension of a queer identity that has been negatively excluded or damned in these contexts, plus the beliefs and views of another person, it can quickly become the understandable cause of system shutdown.

I want to be clear that LGBTQ relationship counseling is inclusive of relationships where one partner is queer and perhaps the other is not. For folks who on the surface resemble a heterosexual relationship and did not get to explore their queerness, especially because of religious upbringing, that piece of being is significant and matters. It can be scary to talk to newer or long-term partners about queer identity if it has not been discussed a whole lot previously. Having a therapist at hand who can help believe in, advocate for, and remind folks of the mutual support of the relationship can be one way to encourage the bravery it takes to have these kinds of conversations. A faith community may be the more appropriate place at times to discuss and ask for support around changing beliefs, but therapy can also be a healing space to explore how such beliefs matter and are lived out in romantic partnerships. For folks hoping for such a space to open up dialogue with their partner, learn to support one another across differences like these, or even just for a relational check-in, it might be worth reaching out to a couples/relationship therapist. Therapy does not have to be a long-term endeavor, and it is okay to opt for more infrequent appointments.

The Power of Communication Tools Like “I-Statements”

Like with other relationship therapy, being able to practice both how and what gets communicated with your romantic partner(s) is valuable. Practicing using “I-statements,” for example, is a great shift to practice at home, and it can also be helpful to have a third-party help model, pause, and direct a conversation to incorporate this kind of skill to become more natural and habitual. “I-statements” are powerful because they ground the speaker’s thoughts and feelings in their own experience. Shifts in language like this may not seem significant, but they can do a lot to communicate that a person recognizes the boundaries of their own self in relation to another person. It offers room for disagreement, which is not inherently bad, but can quickly feel more charged when those differing beliefs center around the spiritual and religious. Though this can be an incredibly vulnerable thing for folks, it ultimately allows for partner(s) to see the wonderfulness of who a person is and to allow oneself the freedom to be themselves. Sometimes, we don’t know how much we are accepted and loved until we let the people we love dearly see us in our fullness. 

It’s okay to not know where you’re going to ultimately land, and you do not have to have everything figured out individually in order to explore something relationally with your partner. Whether just one or more than one person in the relationship is wrestling with how to make sense of a clash between queer and religious values, this is not an exploration that needs to be done alone. I hope that can ring true for folks. May you have found something for yourself here today. Thanks for joining me, and please feel free to reach out about scheduling, for feedback, other topics you’d like to see discussed, or just to say hi!

“May you listen to your longing to be free.

May the frames of your belonging be generous enough for your dreams.

May you arise each day with a voice of blessing whispering in your heart.

May you find a harmony between your soul and your life.

May the sanctuary of your soul never become haunted.

May you know the eternal longing that lives at the heart of time.

May there be kindness in your gaze when you look within.

May you never place walls between the light and yourself.

May you allow the wild beauty of the invisible world to gather you, mind you, and embrace you in belonging.”

John O’Donohue, “For Belonging,” from To Bless the Space Between Us

Lovingly,

Aaron